I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
