Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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