i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
