yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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