I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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