just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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