Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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