And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
