Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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