: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
