So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
