guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
