There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
