Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
