Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
