I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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