i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
