I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
