There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
