Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
