I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
