His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
