just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
