I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
