you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
