wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
