I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
