Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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