I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
