I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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