At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
