Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
