My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
