Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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