Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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