I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
