I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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