ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
