If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
