She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
