OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
