So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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