You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize