PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
