im gay
i know
yea but for you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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