No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
