Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
