Don't make out with my wife yet
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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