my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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