Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
