I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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