Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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