I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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