Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
