Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
