I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
