Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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