He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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