im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
