party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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