I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
