I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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