I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
