i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She bit a glass in half.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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